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Brittany L. Bergman

Savoring motherhood, building marriage, and living simply

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Becoming a Mother Brought Me Home to My Body

Aug 19 Leave a Comment

This essay is a part of Verily magazine’s ongoing series Making of a Mom.

I stood in the hospital bathroom and examined myself in the mirror for the first time since giving birth: My greasy hair was pulled into a makeshift bun. I had new bags under my eyes, the circles so dark they looked like bruises. My stomach was a deflated kickball, revealing stretch marks I hadn’t realized were there. My flesh spilled out of the mesh underwear a nurse had lined with a frozen pad and then helped me step into. (If I had any sense of privacy left after giving birth, that moment forced me to release it.)

I had never been so tired in my life—my legs shook with the effort of standing, and my limbs felt as though they were filled with sand.

And yet, when I looked in the mirror, what I felt was not disgust or shame or a desire to fix myself.

What I felt was a deep sense of admiration.

***

Before I became a mother, I had never been particularly connected to my body. I thought of my body as a possession, something I could control and subdue. Add in a personality bent on achieving perfection, and the result was plain cruelty.

I believed my body was most worthy at its smallest, and everything I did was to serve that goal. From middle school on, I lived in a constant state of food restriction. I overexercised, “earned” what I ate, punished myself when I binged, and for a while, had a full-blown eating disorder. I tried on my smallest pair of jeans daily, pinching my flesh in punishment and shame when they got a little too tight.

And then I got pregnant.

For the first time in my life, the choices I made about food and exercise weren’t just about me—my baby would be directly impacted by everything I did. Restricting myself could have dire consequences for the baby during pregnancy, not to mention after she was born. I knew I didn’t want to pass on my disordered eating to my daughter, and trying to hide it from her wouldn’t be enough. I needed to get healthy for both of us.

Before getting pregnant, I would have rolled my eyes at anyone who told me to listen to my body. But during pregnancy, my body discovered its voice—and it would not be ignored.

To read the rest of this essay, head over to Verily!


If you liked this essay, you’ll love my new book, Expecting Wonder: The Transformative Experience of Becoming a Mother.

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Filed Under: Motherhood Tagged With: body image, eating disorders, motherhood, pregnancy

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Brittany L. Bergman
This Very Cool and Very Silly little boy moved up This Very Cool and Very Silly little boy moved up to the early preschool room at daycare today, and he turns 2 in less than a month, and he says new words every day, and he pushes me away in the mornings so he can rest a little longer, and he’s outgrowing his 2T clothes, and he’s not really a baby anymore, and what I’m trying to say is I’M NOT OKAY.
Oh yes I did cry like a baby. 😭 One step closer Oh yes I did cry like a baby. 😭 One step closer to normalcy and very much feeling the weight of the trauma that has yet to catch up to us and the relief that’s coming on its heels. But mostly, feeling thankful for science and every single person who had a hand in creating this modern-medicine miracle. 💜💉
A poem in honor of #internationalwomensday. May we A poem in honor of #internationalwomensday. May we be a generation of womxn who embrace our humanity, our inherent power, and our purpose outside of the confines of capitalism. 💪🏼 🔥
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It’s a great day to witness the shattering of a glass ceiling, to embrace empathy and decency, and to breathe a collective sigh of relief.

The work is only just beginning, but today, we celebrate. Congratulations, President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris! 👏🏼🎉💙
What a beautiful, exhausting, festive, heartbreaki What a beautiful, exhausting, festive, heartbreaking, cozy, chaotic-but-strangely-quiet Christmas we had. ✨🎄✨

That’s a wrap for me on 2020—I’ll be off social media until sometime in January. May you be filled with peace and hope as we close this year but still wait for the close of this chapter in our history. 💜
I have faced Christmases full of grief and loss; d I have faced Christmases full of grief and loss; depression and rage; exhaustion and loneliness. But I can honestly say this is the weariest Christmas I can remember. I say that not to shine a spotlight on me, but to say that I have a feeling this might be your experience too. I’m with you.
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And so the words to my favorite Christmas hymn hit me different this year. They resonate in a place much deeper, more tender and true than ever before. I rejoice in the giggles of my meltdown-prone child. I rejoice in stolen moments alone in the dark, the room lit only by the glow of the Christmas tree. I rejoice in every video and every social media post I see of a frontline worker receiving the COVID vaccine, our ticket out of this nightmare. I rejoice in the vision that next Christmas might look more familiar than this one does. I rejoice in the hope of Christ, whose universal, creative, motherly love holds the whole universe together.
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On this Christmas Eve, I’ll leave you with this quote from Howard Thurman. I hope these words bring a slant of light to your day.
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“The symbol of Christmas—what is it? It is the rainbow arched over the roof of the sky when the clouds are heavy with foreboding. It is the cry of life in the newborn babe when, forced from its mother’s nest, it claims its right to live. It is the brooding Presence of the Eternal Spirit making crooked paths straight, rough places smooth, tired hearts refreshed, dead hopes stir with newness of life. It is the promise of tomorrow at the close of every day, the movement of life in defiance of death, and the assurance that love is sturdier than hate, that right is more confident than wrong, that good is more permanent than evil.”
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Whatever and however you celebrate at this time of year, I’m sending you all my love and peace. 💫
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Brittany L Bergman is a for-profit blog. Any company that I collaborate with is chosen by me and fits the theme and readership of my blog. At times, posts may contain affiliate links or sponsored content, which is never at any charge to you.

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