I put a lot of pressure on myself to figure it all out right now: my career, my marriage, motherhood, writing, blogging, friendships. I like to have a detailed plan for exactly how each part of my life will play out in the next month, year, five years. As we know, and as I’ve shared before, this is not how life works or how God works.
Right now, my life is comfortably full. I work a full-time job that I love, I spend a good amount of time with Dan and my other closest relationships, I write this blog, I engage in practices that keep me healthy. Until the past month, I’ve felt pretty balanced.
As I’ve done more and more to get ready for this baby (which has all been fun and good), I’ve realized that adding another “thing” to the mix is going to push my life from comfortably full to maxed out. I know this small child is going to be relying on me for everything, which is the great joy and the great pain of motherhood. I want to continue doing it all, but I know something will have to give, because I can’t add another human into my life and expect things to stay at comfortably full.
I desperately want to know how my life is going to change, what I’ll have to give up to keep up with motherhood. Will it be this blog? Working out? Healthy eating? A clean house? To be completely honest, I’m scared. I’m scared of my own selfishness, because I don’t want to give anything up.
That need to figure everything out immediately took control of me on Monday, and I broke down in heaving sobs, crying out to God “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” And he gently whispered, “No, you can’t do all this. But you can take your next step and trust me to help you figure it out.”
I wanted to know the answers right now: what to give up, what to let go of, what to forget about. And all I got from him was validation that I need to just keep taking one step forward, without knowing the whole plan.
Is taking care of my family in his plan for my future? Yes. How? I don’t know.
Is writing in his plan for my future? Yes. How? I don’t know.
Is a career in his plan for my future? Yes. How? I don’t know.
I’m trying to be okay with not knowing, with seeing a little bit of gray in this transition, with feeling alarming amounts of uncertainty. He will help me figure it out when the time comes.
And now, after the longest introduction ever, here’s what I’m feeling grateful for this week.
My loving mom, who threw me the most lovely, personal, thoughtful baby shower in history.
My friends and family, who gave their Sunday afternoons to celebrate with me and baby girl, who spoiled us with gifts, and who made me feel so loved.
The fact that fall is really and truly here, and that means I don’t have to wear tank tops and shorts anymore. Bring on yoga pants and hoodies for the next 6 months!
My college girlfriends, whom I’ve written about here, here, and here. This week each of them showed new levels of courage, love, and vulnerability, and it’s been good for me to witness.
Dark chocolate–covered cranberries from Trader Joe’s. They make every night a little sweeter.
A low-key weekend coming up, filled with grand plans of reading on the couch and writing several essays.
Sometimes pregnancy is amazing, and other times pregnancy is stressful and difficult and underwhelming. It doesn’t make us any less grateful for the miracle.
Married people: it’s our job to build up our spouses and to build up marriage as a whole. Let’s tell the world a better story.
How often are you sharing empty encouragement, and how often are you making an intentional investment in someone’s life?
Feeling stressed? Try repeating a mantra, taking a walk, or one of these other healthy and productive strategies for dealing with it.
Given the chance, I’m sure we all would have done something differently on our wedding days. Here’s what 30 brides said about their weddings.
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